Autumn!

My favorite season! At least, until it gets real cold and starts to snow! *Smile* I still have not gotten into any kind of a rhythm yet, now that I am a "stay-at-home" - for good. I get depressed about that too. I'd much rather be back the way I was before November, 2003...when things seemed to go badly where my health was concerned. But still, I was able to do things in 2004...went to Florida with my sub, and let him see what domination was all about...as he was trying to work his way to being a Dom...but still, for some scenes, came back strong as his Domina!

Then in April, 2004, met my last Master. I spent more time with him then with any other dominant I have had. But after five months, he told me he felt like I was leading two lives, and he did not have one. Wow! That cut deep! So, I thought about that and all the other little nasty things he could say to me...how he blew his temper for stupid shit, how trying to teach him things on the computer had me in tears, most of the time, ready to pack my shit and leave for home...and I decided that perhaps, the bad outweighed the good when it did not feel like fun anymore...and my own husband never talked to me that way, ever! So, I ended it.

After that, I played with a few Dom/Top friends, and a few new ones, but that was all it was - play. I will say that I had one tremendous experience with one Dom/Top...I came hard with his fingers, his cock - vaginally and anally...so many times that I thought it must be a "fluke". I went very deep with him, but I have done that with others, so that was nothing new...but the scene was different, as it usually is with a different Dom/Master/Top. As it turned out, it was a fluke, the second time we were together, could not match the first time! *sad smile* And I realized I was correct, he was trying to use hypnosis non-consensually. When I gave him permission to use it in a scene with me...he stopped playing with me. Guess his thing was to try and see if he could get away with it, and when I gave consent, it was no longer a thrill for him. Too bad, so sad! (Not!)

I have one long term online/cam "Daddy"...whom I believe I will never meet in real life. It is difficult to even meet him online anymore with his working hours, his homelife, etc. Oh well!

I met another "Daddy", who I thought might work out...and he is even in very close proximity to me...but he sort of "went away" with long periods of time in between meeting online, so I figured he was no longer interested. He popped back up again recently...but I do not hold my breath that anything much will happen...we have not even spoken on the phone! And I cannot commit to anything without hearing the dominant's voice first! Voices are important to me...when it comes to the dominant's especially...not so much for my subs.

I finally got my carpets cleaned! About two weeks ago...but still have not called to get someone out to clean the house. I do not know what's wrong with me...I want the house clean! But I sort of hate spending the money, still hanging on to the notion that I should be doing it all myself, I guess. And I hate the idea of strangers in my house, and I worry what they might think when they come into my office and see all my BDSM stuff...not toys and implements - those would be hidden in our toybags and the chest in the family room. But rather my sculptures and my BDSM plush bears and my BDSM books in my bookcase.

I also have my altar in my office/study too...filled with candles, crystals, angels, chimes, a pentagram on a disc, rosaries, etc. I also have some Wiccan books, though I am not a practicing Wiccan. Just a part of my exploration of metaphysics. I am a Reiki Master/practitioner and an ordained minister though. *smile* Not using it right now...but perhaps someday...

I just seem to have so much to do, and no drive to do it! *Sigh* I have subs, but never get to see them! Maybe if I had a dominant in my life again?

Oh well!